Clover - lyrics with no melody
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: This is my first fanfic for this series. It's about Lan reflecting on the stillness that contrasts his life.


Disclaimer: Clover is by the awesome women that make Clamp. My fave's Mikku-sama!  
  
In the stillness,  
Upon the looking glass  
I can no longer cry  
When the rain is doing it   
Already for me.  
  
  
lyrics with no melody  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
I feel like a little kid in the darkness. I won't even put on the lamp he gave me.  
  
  
I touch my hand on the windowpane and wonder how much time has passed already. Maybe it's two years and a month? I thought I was counting the days, but in the end, it didn't matter.  
  
It only mattered when A came and left.  
  
That's when I started to count...but as my face and height changed, I couldn't keep it anymore.  
I was too fast for time.  
  
It is nighttime and I place now both of my hands on the window. As the rain commences forth, I tilt my head.   
Samui. = It is cold.  
  
It reminds me of the white tile floors...  
  
Everything was so dull in the laboratory. The only thing I remember was that it was cold. Whether or not I was held by A, I always felt cold.  
His jealousy ran through my body like ice and I was the silent fire that equilibriated everything. But was that enough?  
  
No.  
  
As A held me in his arms, he killed B.  
"Because he's mine," he whispered softly.  
  
I didn't know if he was speaking to me or himself at that time...  
  
And the blood drops on my face fell to the white tiled floor. I couldn't cry.   
In my mind, I was shouting.  
  
But everything was numb. I realized...  
  
...it was the same as being alone. With or without you, A.  
  
  
Time has passed for how long. And I don't even know how old we are. I lost count too when we were sent to the laboratory.  
  
I wanted to cry, but how can I act now? In this stillness, I always have to be calm. I am unable to express my hopes, my dreams, my anger, my passion...  
All is locked up inside of myself.  
  
"You promise to love me the best," you said.  
  
I can only act like it now...  
  
How can I love you the best?   
How can I love someone the least?  
Is there a measure to this type of thing?   
I do not know, for I never tried.   
  
I know one thing. There is nothing fair. Does this apply to love as well?  
  
Everything had to be equal. The same. And when the balance had to be tipped, it had to be to your favor, A.  
  
Filled with this anguish, I fall to the floor and began to sing a song that I only know the words to. It is the extinguished hope I always hold deep inside of my heart. Small as it may be.  
  
Lyrics with no melody.  
  
In the stillness,  
Upon the looking glass  
I can no longer cry  
When the rain is doing it   
Already for me.  
I didn't know what rain was  
But there it is before me.  
It's a liquid   
that is just like tears.  
I never learned to cry  
until I went outside.  
I never learned to laugh,  
until I escaped.  
  
I am tired of this stillness.  
They say when you find a clover  
It will bring you happiness,  
but they never said,  
How will the Clover   
find happiness?  
  
Only the Clover   
Itself knows.  
  
I am a Clover...  
And yet I don't.  
  
Dareka. Oshiete."  
  
  
At that moment, Gingetsu comes into the room and finds me silently crying on the ground. So, I turn away not wanting to bother him anymore. I have tried so hard to be silent all these years, but...  
Feeling guilty that he had to submit to a bomb being implanted into his head. How he could choose this...  
  
This is something I still cannot understand.  
Mou Wakaranai.  
  
"Do as you like." he always says to me.  
But what do I like? What do I really want?  
  
A Clover cannot want. It is taken away by force...  
  
Until it fades away.  
Someday, I shall also.  
  
Is this the feeling Suu wanted? This feeling of filling that longing void?  
I wonder...  
  
Gingetsu asks no questions nor does he want any apologies. He just picks me up and carries to me to the couch. Placing a blanket over us, I place my head on his lap and look up at him.  
  
Why is it there will always be this kind of silence around us? But I can say I actually like it.  
  
Yes, I can say this is one of those things I like.  
  
But, it will come to nothing. I cannot want it too much. A will think I have lost my love for him.  
  
Numbness prevails.  
  
In the lab, I felt uptight, though I never showed it. I feared A in a way that wasn't fear for my life or my well-being, but that he would take what was most important to me.  
I didn't understand what that was, but I knew that there was something.  
  
  
Still trying to find it...  
  
  
And only less than two years to go...  
  
  
I wondered what I had wanted when I ran away from the lab. All I knew was that I had to get away. I had to leave despite the consequences.  
  
For no one to be hurt.  
Even if I was sacrificing for my own hurt encapsuled.  
  
  
Being one that never wanted or needed anything, I sigh.  
  
Maybe...this was why Suu wanted to go to Fairy Park...  
  
It wasn't only to find happiness or this feeling called love...  
  
Maybe it was peace,  
a calmness that wasn't frigid silence,  
but a warm feeling of security...  
  
That false sense of being safe...  
Even for a little while.  
  
And Gingetsu...he didn't want to take off his glasses. Touching his arm, I could feel that he was crying for me silently. Then, I got up to embrace him.  
  
We sat there as if time were standing still.  
  
  
At that moment, a white hair appeared before my eyes.  
  
  
In this stillness...  
  
I-  
  
No, we are running out of time.  
  
  
--  
Author's note: I admit that this fic has a lot of shortcomings and maybe I didn't portray Lan as well as I wanted. But I wanted the feel. Listened to Redrum as I wrote too...  
  
I admit that I know not a lot about Clover but wanted to collect it for years; and I have only researched and read online summaries for only three days now.  
So any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 


End file.
